I have been experiencing a severe mental health crisis in the last fortnight. This post is an outlet for some of that. I am not certain that I’m rational enough to tell whether I’ve written anything likely to be triggering, but please be aware that this post is about suicidal crisis.
A nurse brings me gently inside as a friend calls my mental healthcare coordinator to tell her I am seriously unwell, and in the back of my mind Cernunnos whispers I will always keep you safe.
My psychiatric nurse tells me that she will arrange for the Home Treatment team to keep me safe over the weekend, that she will ask one of the doctors to prescribe me drugs to bring me down from the horrifying crisis point I have been kept at, and He tells me I will always look after you.
The Home Treatment nurse sits across from me, listens to my horrors, and tells me that one day I will be good at her job, and He says I will never steer you down a wrong path.
And I am sitting here, I have very nearly survived this weekend, and He sits with me and says I will not allow you to die yet, but I will not let you suffer for it.
And now the weekend is almost over, and I have survived it, and He loves me. It is difficult to reach for Him when the crisis is overwhelming, but He can always reach to me. And this crisis was not like other crises, but then they are always different in some ways. And He has always kept me safe.
I can’t yet be grateful to Him for it, but I can now recognise it as love. And this is what it is to be loved by a god, at least for me – my choices are no longer wholly my own, some choices have been taken away from me, but I am always cherished, always protected, always held by Someone greater than myself. He knows what I need, and when I cannot ask for it He will make sure I have it in spite of myself.
And this is love.