mental health

Mental illness and the god of dying things

I do not want to write this post. It is not an easy post to write, and I suspect it will not be an easy post to read, so full disclosure from the start: I am going to be talking about suicide.

I have been suicidal for a long time. Before I knew Cernunnos, I wanted to die, and since I found Him I have still wanted to die. It might have been kinder for Him to never have come to me. Life might have been easier if I had not fallen in love with a god of dying things. But He did come, and I did fall, and I want to talk about coping with it.

Sometimes He can help me cope. I love your life He tells me when the going gets tough and sometimes it is enough that He loves it even though I don’t. Sometimes He whispers me through the sleepless nights and we meet dawn together and I can feel grateful to Him for helping me through another horror. Sometimes He drags me through the nights and come morning I hate Him for it.

Increasingly He puts people in my way when I would not cope alone. There are times, though, when I need to step away from Him and I need Him to step back from me; in the moment I struggle to reconcile this with loving Him, and with the idea in my head of what a ‘good devotee’ looks like.

I adore Him. I know this. I yearn for Him, as I have spent many years yearning for dark things. I ache with the lack of Him and that is when I need to step back, because the journey closer to Him ends in something which I must try not to do.

I stepped back for some time following my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. With hindsight I can say that it was the right choice for me to have made, though not necessarily made in the right way. I needed to learn how much of my darkness was for Him and through Him and from Him. The answer, as it turned out, is – less than I had thought.

I am now learning how to do this in a way that is safer for me. Not by ignoring His darkness, or my own, but by incorporating the skills I am learning in therapy into my devotional practice. I can love the god of dying, and long for death, and remain alive. It just takes work.

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7 thoughts on “Mental illness and the god of dying things

  1. I am glad you’re finding a way to balance this. Also, when I realized I was hallucinating I had to do the same separation of symptoms and spirituality. Its not easy, but its worth it! Keep on trying, you’ll get where you aim if you keep at it (good therapy and supportive spirits really helps!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’ve had similar issues with the ‘transient psychotic symptoms’ that can come with BPD, it was…confusing. I really appreciate your supportive comments 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The more I learn about it the more I think that mental health professionals will say that *anything* can be a part of BPD. But yeah, it’s stress related for me, which is super unhelpful.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah, that’s what I found BPD to be when I was told about it. So much of it overlaps with other things, it feels like a ‘we don’t know what this is’ kind of deal. It really sucks that its stress related. That must be really difficult to deal with.

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