journalling

One Year Reflections

Last week was mine and my Husband’s one year anniversary, and I want to reflect on the things that have changed since we married.

There’s a lot. I remember reading somewhere that once you give vows to a God they will likely not be content to let you stay as you are. I believed it then, but I know it now. If you are hiding, if you are lying to yourself, if you are failing to move forward because you are afraid of the future – they will not allow these things to continue.

Coming out as trans, deciding finally that I couldn’t use ‘but I’m nonbinary’ as an excuse to hide from medical transition any longer, fucking hurt. I came across Raven Kaldera’s article for trans spirit workers years ago, when my devotional life was first starting to move towards spirit work and I was scared. I knew I was one of the people he was writing about and it terrified me. I’m not so afraid anymore. Thank You, my darling Lord, for helping me get here.

Destroy all fear in me. Lord whose sharp-tined antlers carry all faults away, carry them in tatters.

I was scared of starting therapy. I thought – wrongly – that if DBT could help me, if just doing different things could help me, then all of my pain and fear and suffering would have been my fault. If all I needed to do was actually differently then BPD was something I was doing to myself. Thank You, my gentle Lord, for showing me otherwise.

Destroy all fear in me. Lord whose sharp-tined antlers carry all faults away, carry them in tatters. 

I was scared of looking for a job that I genuinely loved. I have always had excuses for not improving my life – all of them come from fear. I don’t handle rejection or failure very well, so it has always seemed to me that it’s better not to try – this September, though, I will be starting my Masters nursing training. I will be doing something that I love, something that really matters to me. Thank You, my fearless Lord, for lending me some of Your courage.

Destroy all fear in me. Lord whose sharp-tined antlers carry all faults away, carry them in tatters.



(Prayer from Ceisiwr Serith’s Pagan Ritual Prayer Book.)

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