Every now and then I get it into my head that my spiritual practice isn’t enough, that the things I do for and with Cernunnos are insufficient. Other people would do more, I think. Better people would do more.
I am always trying to be better. Mostly I try to be better for His sake, this god who for whatever reason has decided to weave Himself into the fabric of my life, has bound Himself up in me so tightly that extrication would be a process both difficult and painful. He deserves better than this, I always think, He deserves the best version of myself that I can possibly be. He deserves all the energy and love I can possibly give Him, every second of every day. And it’s true, He does. He deserves all of this and more, so much more than I can ever give Him. But He doesn’t want any of it at the expense of my health and wellbeing, and I know this because He keeps telling me.
And so I take a step back, I breathe deeply and remind myself of what I know in my bones to be the truth – there is no one predefined right way to do this, only many wrong ways. If I am not doing what other people are doing – so what? As long as what I am doing pleases Him and neither exhausts me nor leaves me with the ache in my heart that comes from not having done enough, what should it matter what other people are doing?
So I take up my prayer beads, slip them around my wrist, close my eyes, and lean towards love. I’ve done this so many times, this return to the practice that works, that brings me nearer to Him and Him nearer to me – and at times like these I don’t know why I ever do anything else. I can feel Him sigh, His breath ghosting along my skin as He pulls me into His arms again, welcoming me home.