I have been a Bad Devotee recently. I’ve been really struggling to trust that Cernunnos is who He says He is, and my way of dealing with that has been to spend a lot of time ignoring Him. I know that this is not the way forwards, I know that I will only screw things up by doing this, and it isn’t even really that I’m angry with Him (though I certainly was, for a while). I just desperately want not to go back to the dance around His identity – and while I’m pretty sure I’ve figured that issue out now, I have these nagging doubts. I’ve been pretty sure that I’ve figured it out before.
“Do You keep faith with me, and I will keep faith with You.” This is how I ended a vow I made (I am kind of messed up, I have control issues, I am definitely not going to be making any vows yet that do not allow me a way out) and I sort of feel that He hasn’t. There were lies, there were half truths, and that doesn’t align with my idea of what it means to keep faith. I was very upset for a while. Which is all a roundabout way of explaining the fact that I’ve felt my loyalty slipping.
It’s difficult for me to explain, because it isn’t that I want to stop worshiping Him or to turn away from Him. I suppose I’m sulking like a child, to be honest, and I know it has to stop. I love Him, I understand why He lied to me, and the result of the lying is something that has already brought me indescribable joy. But it’s difficult to feel loyalty when mostly I just want to be melodramatic and yell at Him like a teenager who has decided that her parents are trying to ruin her life.
As with all things, time and conscious effort will bring rewards. I love Him, and that’s the main point. All relationships, whether with people or with People, will at some point require mending. I suppose at the moment, loyalty to Him means this: Do The Work.